2006 World Tour Diary

Its January 17th 2006 another cold & bitter morning in England, I wasn't too bothered though as I was about to embark on a tour around the world. The next few months I will be Djing, making friends, money, losing money, getting sun burnt, food poisoning, arrested & all the other things that can happen to you when you travel alone.

I wrote this diary, as an update on my travels but there is also some interesting advice & tips on how to go about Promoting your business brand & yourself. For me it was all about being a DJ at clubs & bars around the globe, promoting my new club brand Dirty Retro & the music I represent.  

I spent 2 months preparation planning for this world tour. You have to work out your budget & what you aim to get from your travelling experience, don't get tricked in to buying every tour going, that’s their job no matter how friendly your travel agent is he or she is also trying to make money. I found it could be cheaper to book tours when you actually arrive at your destination.  Do some research before book your trip? I paid just over a 1000quid for my 3-month tour of Asia Australia & America.

Once I had all my dates scheduled & booked, it was now time to contact the club, bars, managers & promoters in Asia Australia & America. I had given myself 3 months to do this, so I was on a tight deadline to get my message across. I managed to get in contact with several clubs in Hong Kong, Bangkok & Singapore this was from books & searching the web.

The hard part is trying to sale your idea over the phone & Internet. It’s especially hard when your are not internationally recognized. You could be big in Staines but be a nobody in Hong Kong.  Brands such as Ministry of Sound & Heed Kandi can book nights every week worldwide from their marketing & recognition. DJ John Smith (Ministry of Sound or Hed Kandi) he could be anyone, but people will still be attracted to the brand name not necessarily the DJ.

My promotion brand Dirty Retro is only 6 months old & is un heard off anywhere. So far I had managed to do 1 night in London & 1 night in Miami, but still had to do a lot more marketing to push things forward & to make it become a success.  Still I am very confident in what I am trying to achieve here.

I know the music my brand represents is unique in its style of playing old classic retro tunes along with modern day house music. I have a very talented graphic designer who has come up with some stylish funky dirty retro style artwork that perfectly reflects the music.

Contacting the clubs long distance is tiring & soul destroying, most nights I was up to 5am phoning managers & promoters this is due to the 8 - 10 hour time difference. You can try emailing them but you’re very unlikely to get a reply or response unless they already know you & our familiar with your name. If you think how much junk mail you receive every week. It’s also very hard to come up with a decent subject matter. I want to DJ at your club! It’s not going to work. It’s best to speak to them on the phone first & then email them your details. It cost money but if you’re that confident you can get a booking then the phone call will be a small fee.

It can be hard work phoning foreign random’s, you have to be %100 positive on your approach, your telephone manner has to be polite no matter how tired & pissed off you are. Don't become cocky or arrogant, as they won't like that at all. Drop a few names; some of the people you've worked with but you have to be able to back this up. It’s a very small network the club scene worldwide. If the promoter & manager are good at their job, they should know all the best DJs, bands, agents etc. After 2 months of long tiring phone calls & waiting patiently for reply’s. I managed to get 6 nights booked after I had contacted 25 venues. This was a relief as I was beginning to think I wouldn’t get any. I was not content with 6 bookings but my aim was to get 10 nights so I continued to contact clubs while I travelled on tour.  This is the diary of one quixotic globetrotter & experience gatherer.   

Hong Kong 

This is my first time in Hong Kong. I have spent just 5 nights here & I must have met every club/bar manager & DJ on this short visit. It’s been overwhelming how polite & friendly everyone is here in HK they really do appreciate & respect the British. I did my first night at D Apartment in Lan Kwai Fong, which is like the San Antonio of Hong Kong packed full of bars& clubs with drunken ex pats & locals & a great new kebab shop called Ebenezer. I played a very commercial vocal house set at D apartment as a warm up this was arranged by a top English bloke called matt who runs a few bars in HK, I only met Matt the previous night but he knew Alan who runs the club I was djing at the next day, so he let me do a warm up set, un paid but free beer.

The club/bar I played on Saturday called Calefonia that I had been booked a while back. California wasn’t that great its predominately an R&B beyonce 50cent crowd, so when I played something diversely different I got some strange looks, I am not the best when it come's to playing top 40 R&B stuff, the reason for me playing this was to raise money for my visit to Hong Kong. Hong Kong is one city I had always been keen on visiting. Alan the main man who booked me said I would have to play R&B as he couldn’t find me a night to play house.  I was still happy on playing R&B if it meant I got paid, to be honest this was a bad move. Its great to be a diverse DJ but you have to be able to play that genre well. Not the best of start's but still chin up, I learnt something from this evening. After the disappointment of the California gig at 6am I went and played at Home which is in the Soho area, this was arranged by a French DJ I had met the previous day, he let me play 45mins of dirty retro house which went down a treat & was far more pleasing & greatly appreciated by the hardcore dancing crowd. 
 
I have travelled to many big cities in the world & I rate Hong Kong as one of my favourites for its spectacular scenery its beaches Stanley Market, the Peak, Lan kwai fong, seedy wan chai which is like a meat market every night of the week in certain areas. The food the people the mix of cultures & mind-blowing architecture make this a fantastic city that I plan to visit more frequently. Although the nightlife is quite poor everything else makes up for this. I stayed in a hotel called central park, which I highly recommend a very new hotel in a perfect centralized location on Hong Kong Island. 

Bangkok 

Next stop Bangkok after only about 2 hours sleep after spending my previous evening drinking in wan chai with some Thai girl. 24hour drinking in Hong Kong can have a serious effect on your liver & your body as I found out the next morning. In a rush to check out of my hotel I got to the airport, flight was delayed an hour. I was feeling extremely rough. A short flight to Bangkok on Cathy pacific once in Bangkok I checked in to my 5* hotel which was booked by the Q Bar the club I was playing at. I had my own apartment on the top floor with a big kitchen area plasma screen king size bed, this was luxury at an affordable price compared to what you would pay in UK.

Next day I did some shopping at the MBK centre, which is massive, & full of cheap fake garments, you can get carried away in that place but I made sure I didn't. Tuesday 24th Jan my dirty retro night at Q Bar. I love q bar it’s a cool little club with a big system & I have good memories there as it was the first club I had ever visited on my first trip to BK.

I played a 3hour set of electro disco rock & house. It went down a storm the place was rocking although I still felt a bit ropey from the previous night. The club was busy but not as busy as I had hoped. Chinese New Year is a bad time to do nights in south East Asia as I was told people tend to stay in. After finishing my set DJ Slacken from Bangkok jumped on & played the remaining hour. My last 2 nights in Bangkok I had to check out of my luxury apartment at the president solitaire & move to more basic low budget accommodation at the Asia Hotel. 

Bangkok to Singapore Tour 

On the Thursday my last day in Bangkok I had to meet at the new lodge hotel to meet the rest of my group I checked in to my own room & made use of this that evening. I had booked a tour from Bangkok to Singapore 17days 16nights across land to Singapore; I was doing this as my travel agent highly recommended it. The tour I was doing was with 13others 9 English 1 Irish I Scottish I Swiss I American. I am not really in to organized group tours with student types.

After my first few nights travelling from mini bus to an over night train to some remote town in Thailand Called Nakhon Pathom. This place was like a scene from Shaun of the dead I thought a local would try & bite me; it was a scary place that smelt like death! They were selling fried insects on the street plus everyone just stared at us as if we were the aliens. Mike who was in our group bought a chicken leg which was cooked on the outside but bloody & red on the inside. You have to be careful with some meat.

On the 13hour train journey. I was enjoying our groups company with several beers & a bit of banter; we became close in a matter of 2 days. Still I found it hard knowing everyone's name; Mate is always a good name to use. After arriving at our destination we were on a bus en route to Karabi. This was a long bus journey with a few stop offs at service stations where I just couldn't go to the loo. You had to do it in a hole in the ground with no seat to sit on. I don't like to be rushed when going to the toilet. I tried crouching to do a number 2 but was so worried I might get it on my leg, so I had to hold on for another 4 hours until we reached a western style toilet. It was a real nightmare!! Just couldn't go no matter how hard I squeezed... 

Once on arrival in karabi myself & my room mate Chris a ginger haired lad from High Wycombe who supported Blackburn Rovers? We both checked in to our little hut which had a western style toilet yessss!!. Karabi was beautiful but had a lot of tourists that spoils it a bit. We did the phi phi islands where the beach was filmed. Got drunk every night at JJ; s English bar where we won the pub quiz & got free beer & some cash. Our team was called singa when you’re winning, named after the Thai beer. I also got to watch my team Reading on the box against Birmingham in the FA Cup. This was a dream. There I was watching the mighty Reading in Karabi. I went elephant trekking one day, which was smelly, but enjoyable although the Thai’s are quite cruel to the elephants, they kept smacking them with a big stick with a metal hook on the end.  A nice few days in Karabi.

After Karabi it was off to Malaysia where we stopped off one night in Saturn a remote village somewhere, which was full of Silent Orchestras. Silent Orchestra means Karaoke in Japanese (Learnt that in the pub quiz). Saturn was a right dump that had nothing but karaoke bars with lady boys & sketchy food shops with bullet holes in the walls, nice! the 1 Irish lad in our group was approached by 2 lady boys this was a hilarious moment they just wouldn't leave him alone, he got a bit arrsy with the situation & was about to lamp a chair at one of them. Now that would have been funny.

Next day on another bus, it was a nightmare exporting all my bags, I had more luggage then anyone else as I had my CDs & records, my back pack plus another bag, people took the piss seeing me struggle & sweat but at the end of the day I am the one who's getting paid to DJ, so I wasn’t bothered.

We made our way across the Malaysian border on to a small island called Penang. We stayed in George town This town was very dirty with lots of rats on the streets dodgy food & a club we went to called Slippery Senorita's where the security staff had serious issues & so did the locals they were not a friendly bunch although we danced the night away & made complete fools out of ourselves.

Penang 

Reminded me very much off Swindon town apart from it was a lot more humid but it was still a dirty smelly place. I went up some large tower where you could see vast views of Penang Island. I was thinking to myself with a bit of investment & a big clean up operation this island could actually be quite nice. 
 
We leave George Town in Penang after 2 days of breathing in some of the worst smells & sights I have ever experienced & witnessed, we made our way to the Cameron highlands. 

On the coach up the long & winding roads to Cameron Highlands which is in a remote area of Malaysia that has some of the most beautiful scenery with vast hills & forests/jungles it was a real breath of fresh air compared to Penang, and the temperature is very cool there, so it was a nice change to wear some long clothing. On arrival we checked in to our lodge, which was very impressive, an old house that had been converted in to a large B&B accommodation for local tourists.

I managed to get my own bedroom after originally I was suppose to share a double bed with my room mate Chris as there was a shortage of beds, I was well not up for this! So I got my own room with a bunk bed no offence to Chris but he snores like a beast & I am not gay.

I spent my Day in Cameron highlands playing golf on one of the most up & down courses I have ever played the condition of the course was pretty poor you had to walk up several steep hills on most holes & I thought I was going to top it with little water left in my bottle, the views on each hole were mind blowing & well worth the strain.

It was hard work trying to play in the heat but great exercise after the last 10 or so days of drinking mass amounts of Tiger.

I was now known as the hard-core drinker in our group as I was pissed most nights. Most of the others were not really in to late night boozing so I made an exception. Cameron Highlands is home to the best home made scones & Tea. There was one bar in the town that we ended up taking over for our short stay they had a lady boy who worked behind the bar who sounded like Barry white with a deep voice.

Another early morning wake up which were beginning to do my head in, really not a big fan of waking up early every day after being on the beers, I managed to drag myself out of my bunk bed & in to reception where I had a bite of my toast & then back on another bus to our next location the capitol of Malaysia Kuala Lumpa. 

Kuala Lumpa 

This is the city I had most been looking forward to visiting. It was a Shortest drive in comparison to our last trips, although it was another journey through the vast hills of the highlands. 

We arrived In Kuala Lumpa & stayed at a hotel right in the centre of the city within perfect reach of the big shopping centres bars & restaurants, it was a real relief to be in a city that was surprisingly clean & had several options when it came to eating & drinking. We spent the first day checking out the area & the great selection of restaurants & bars on offer.

In the evening we met for a dodgy traditional Chinese next to an open car park where I ordered prawns & noodles, I only got 3 prawns and they were expensive so not the best choice. I paid a visit to the entertainment/bar area where all the night attractions are located I was shocked to see so many late night bars in one area. It was a real shame we had arrived on a Sunday so there was not much happening & not many people about although I made friends with several bar managers & DJs & was soon offered an evening to DJ at a club called Passion. 

The next day I visited the local areas of little Indian & china town as well as making my way up to the KL Tower where you experience fantastic views of the city. Kuala Lumpur is defiantly a place to visit good value for money, a very cosmopolitan city that is clean & has several interesting places to visit. The 2nd evening I had told the rest of my group that I was playing a DJ set at Passion, so everyone from my group plus the other group who we didn't really mix with, although on this one occasion we all came as one to see Will Burns DJ in action, which was a nice touch, I had a great time playing a mix of old tunes & some favourites.

Got paid in beer, which was rewarding but next day another hang over & on to another bus this time to Melaka a small town near the border of Singapore.

Melaka the name comes from a tree of good will. Melaka is a very quiet place with a lot of history & culture from a Buddhist temple to a Hindu temple & mosque all located directly next to each other. You have every religious back ground in this famous town.

I accidentally walked in to a mosque while Muslims were praying. They all turned around to see me standing there. I said Alright!! & Then made a quick exit. I visited some of the temples & took a boat trip along the canal, which leads to the open sea. This is the main gateway to Malaysia. A Major 5 year development is under way to turn melaka in to a thriving tourist resort with new hotels & holiday apartments being built along the coastline all the way to Singapore. It was a very relaxed place to visit before are final journey to Singapore.

Our Last evening in melaka I played at a local bar thing called xtracts which was organized by my tour leader Bob a top bloke from Australia who had a great knowledge on all the great bars & eatery’s in every town/city we visited. I played the evening there as a bit of fun. & Then had a fairly early night in at our very stylish hotel, which was the nicest accommodation we had stayed in on our tour.

Singapore

8.OOam Start I made it for breakfast, which is a first! On coach to a final destination Singapore. It was a relief in some way to actually get to Singapore, just to have some time to yourself & not having to stick to an itinerary of waking up every morning & constantly on the move.
We made our way through immigration relatively fast & easy. We were greeted in Singapore by a torrential down poor. I hadn’t seen such rain like this for a long time, it was pissing it down!

We checked in to our New Hostel called the hang out on mount Emle that was a quite & clean place to stay.
Didn’t really have that much time to do anything active in the afternoon, in the evening I visited Ministry of Sound, a club I was supposed to be playing at, but never happened.

I met a few of the DJs there & had a beer that cost almost 5 pound. Not cheap to say the least. Ministry Singapore is very similar in design to London's Ministry but the music inside was R&B & Commercial how things have changed. After Ministry I made my way to visit Attica the club I was playing at on Friday the last official day of our tour. I had a quick look then went to a late night McDonald's as a last resort to feed my hungry fat belly.
Friday 1oth February 2006 last day with our tour group. It was quite a sad & emotional day to say good-bye to the 14 others including Bob our leader. We had come very close spending the last 17 days together. Most days & nights. A few friendships were made inside our group, which is a nice thing. Its up to each individual now to keep in touch. 
 
Our last day, I was busy organizing my night at Attica sorting out my guest list & music selection plus I did my laundry which was several days over due, my clothes were beginning to pong.

Early evening we went for a final meal together at an Indian in little Indian. This was a great Indian restaurant although not the best choice of food before my big gig.

We had our last farewell dinner all together with the exception of 1 girl called Fabien a Swiss Girl who I actually thought was quite funny she had the largest bottom & she also had the largest complaints & serious issues with everything we did, She did not stop moaning from the start of our tour, She did not come to eat unfortunately, I will miss her for her complaints. After dinner the rest of my group went & had a famous Singapore Sling at the Raffles hotel. I had to miss this one in preparation for my gig.

I made my way to the Club & spoke with the manager a very cool guy called Mikee. He explained that he wanted me to play an old retro style set not a dance set. So I immediately began to worry as I only had 98% dance music in my bag. 
 
I ended up playing in the downstairs room, which was a good look with 2 pioneer CDJ 1000's I was well away. 9 of my group made it to see me play which was again nice to see. It was a great final night to say good-bye & to show them how good of a DJ I actually am.

I played a classic house set with a few new tracks in there. It was a relief to get that night over after there was lot of pressure on the music I played. Charlie Chester the promoter of the club had organized this for me so I did not want to let him down. The night was a roaring success & I got paid well & also free drinks, which are always a bonus.

Saturday in Singapore most of our group were still hanging about sorting stuff out, I took it easy this day, in the Evening I paid a visit to the famous Zouk club. Zouk club is the ultimate club, big area big sound system big DJs & lots of glamour & style. I Met up with 2 scousers Mike & Tim from the other group. We didn’t do much dancing; the Singapore locals on the other hand were going ape shit to the banging techno house. There are strictly no drugs in Singapore & Asia but by looking at these dance freaks you would think they were on something. Don't ever do drugs in Asia not even Viagra. You may get it chopped off or the death penalty.

Next couple of days I got up early & planned to make the most of my day by being a typical tourist & visiting some attractions taking bad photos of trees & sign posts etc. I took an open air bus around the city then took a stroll to Raffles hotel for a drink, when I got there, I was going to take a picture of this famous 6 star hotel & my Singapore sling cocktail, I searched my bag for my camera & all of a sudden I froze. Shit!! Where’s my camera? I had noticed my bag was half open & my wallet was hanging out dangerously. I immediately left raffles without even having a drink. I followed my footsteps slowly & accurately back to when I left the bus, as this was the last time I used my camera. I re traced every area & step I had made, every shop I had been in, still no sign of finding my camera with the 198 pictures I had on it, and some pictures far to personal for the public eye. I was sweating like a Jew in a betting shop & getting very anxious. After speaking to about 7 people who were un able to help. I gave up the search for my camera. 
 
Singapore is a big city with far too many people & far too much traffic & too many traffic lights. You stand there for about 10mins at each street waiting to cross. You have to be very patient. You get fined for j walking, spitting & dropping litter, you get executed if you get caught with drugs, so you've been told! Far too many laws, although Singapore is so clean & safe which is for this reason, which just shows you strong law enforcements can work. 
 
Anyway I am still annoyed with the lost camera incident so I went out that evening & got drunk in a place called Orchard Towers famous for the wrong reasons; this was to take my mind of the camera & other things. I met a very friendly Philippine chick called Cris. She was a female I checked with a name like Cris. It’s funny how south East Asian girls all have very short funny names like pim, orange, apple. 
 
Next day & final day in Singapore I met up with Mike one of the lads in our group. A top bloke originally from Surrey, he was actually born in the same hospital as me. How strange is that, it’s a small world?  Mike very kindly gave me some of his pictures to copy as I now had lost all my pictures from our tour. We made our way to this large square place that sale millions of Digital cameras & electronic goods at a good price. I was really not up for buying a new camera but this had to be done as otherwise I wouldn't have any pictures for this tour. After about an hour of speaking to some guy called Eddie who was very good at his job to give him credit, I ended up buying a new camera at a responsible price in comparison to the UK. Singapore is good for digital cameras. Evening time I get to sleep early although I was constantly bothered by several txt msgs from some Pilipino? I had to ignore this distraction, as I had to check out of the Novotel hotel at 5.30am. Novotel hotel is apparently a 4* rating it’s in a great location but not worth the money you pay as the hotel staff were far too dopey to work & were slow & un helpful. I some how managed to get to the airport in time to catch my 9.00 flight to Perth Australia my next destination. 

AUSTRALIA 

Perth

I take my first flight on Quantas airlines, a short flight of just 4 & half hours from Singapore to Perth. On arrival at Perth I made my way in some mini bus to Freemantle known as freo to the locals. I hadn’t booked any hotel or accommodation so was in need of somewhere to stay. I ended up staying at the sun dancer back packers I shared a dorm with 5 others mainly surfer hippy types. It was 14th FEB, Valentines day, so I thought I would take a stroll to check out the sights of the town, after about 15mins I felt like being sick it, every restaurant bar was full of romantic couples holding hands starring deeply in to one another’s eyes & rude whispers in to each others ears. Even the kebab shop where I went for dinner had couples in it, now that's romantic. I like his style. 
 
This was a lonely time for me & I did look like a right loner. Luckily I found a bar that was mainly full of singles loners & drunken auzzies. There were a few English people I met from Bolton & Kent, we ended up singing Karaoke, yep I went up & sang you’ll never walk alone & don’t look back in anger. 2 up lifting merry songs to make everyone feel loved. 
 
Next morning early kick out; I was greeted by Terry an old friend of the family, Terry & his wife Connie had just moved to Perth so I was lucky enough to spend the evening at their place. It was nice to a have a relaxing day. Terry showed me some of the sights the beach's new shopping complex's, the weather was very wet windy & rather cold, so indoors was the best place to be that day. Next day I hired a car & took on a road trip of the west coast & Perth city. I visited most of the beaches on the coast, they were very clean white sandy crystal blue seas & relatively un crowded. I made my way right to the north of the coast & came across a beach named after myself BURNS. Yes it was Burns Beach I was overwhelmed that they had given me this honour. I made my way on to Burns Beach it was the best beach I had stepped on. The shore had a few rocks so was not the best beach to swim at but still it was my beach & there was no one on it but me, so it was a special moment. They are even building a Burns Beach Estate. There's one for the future!

I had some bad news during my visit to Perth my Saturday night gig at Club Capitol had been cancelled by the club as they apparently did not spend enough time marketing it. His name was Tony thick as 2 planks he didn’t really have a clue what he was doing & had no idea, still he managed to mess me about. First cancellation of the tour so was not happy.

When confirming a booking make sure you always have in writing, take a 20 – 50% deposit up front if you can. And make sure they promote & market the night. School Boy error  by me. I have been doing this too long now to make stupid mistakes like that.

Never trust a club manager, who you don't know, he sounded positive & an honest guy on the phone. After the disappointment of this news I made my way to Northbridge the district for nightlife.

Some of the clubs were impressive in size & design but the music was so dated. They were playing Euro techno trance & club tunes that we had in England about 2 years ago.

I managed to get in contact with a few of the club promoters & Resident DJs, they were very stuck up in their own ways & didn’t really know what they were talking about so did not enjoy this evening. I managed to get a ticket for drinking the police caught me off my rocker stumbling the streets of Northbridge with a bottle of beer in my hand. They stopped me & said why you have a bottle in your hand. I said I was thirsty in a drunken Irish tone. They then told me to put in the bin, so I did this, but there was still half a beer left! so just as I was about to dispose of my beer bottle, I quickly had a big swig, the police officer wasn’t happy, so he gave me a ticket. I apparently have 28 days to pay this $50 but a northern English guy at my hostel ripped this ticket up, so fuck it!

I visited Kings Park in Perth & took same fantastic panoramic pictures of the city. I enjoyed my short stay in Perth although the cancellation & bad music in every one of the venues I visited was a real let down. It’s a nice city overall that’s growing day-by-day in size, I am sure it will be a lively cosmopolitan city in about 5 years.

The last evening I took it easy, as I had to prepare for my 48-hour train journey across the outback to Adelaide. This is one of the longest train’s journeys you will ever do. I got up early to get myself organized I bought a drinks cooler & 20 beers & soft drinks for the trip. On arrival to East Perth train station I was the first one there at 9.00am very keen & eager to go, I was told I was unable to take my big hesky on the train, so I had to stack a few beers in my bag & down my pants. I had to check the big cooler in separately as separate luggage. 
 

On board the train I sat down & was getting myself comfy & relaxed for the next 48 hours ahead of me. I had a spare seat so I was quite content with my space & leg room, just as we were about to depart, the largest women on the train came storming down the aisle sweating & smelling of the most revolting body odour & cheap cigarettes, she ends up sitting right next to me, "number 17? Yeah right that’s me,” she said. I said are you sure you are seat 17? I was sat in seat 18 you see. I could not believe my luck one moment I had all the space in the world the next second I could hardly breathe literally I was having an asthma attack. She was a beast of women! I was like I have to move now; I would rather spend the next 48hours in the toilet then sit next to it. Luckily enough I found 2 seats at the back that were spare. Thank god for this. My new seats were next to a couple of shaggers from Stafford or Stoke up north somewhere? They were a nice couple I ended up spending the next 2 days chatting with them. The journey through the outback is intense. Its just thousands & thousands of miles of dense desert & nothing else. You really do start to realize how vast Australia actually is.

Our first stop after 18 hours was in a place called kalgoorie a strange remote town famous for gold mining as well as knocking & betting shops. We went to the only open pub in the town as it was 11.00pm on a Sunday night, in the pub they were singing Karaoke & I believe everyone there was inbred as they all looked very similar. The beer was flat & horrible but still I drank it. It was a typical ghost town, so aerie, not a shadow insight; I could hear a pin drop. Me & some of the others on the train managed to get a dominos pizza while we were there. 
 
It was back on board the train for another long hog across the outback, are next stop was cook an area with the population of 4 people, that’s right 4 people live there, can you imagine how exciting their lives must be, the nearest town to where they live is 8 hours away. We had a bit of a joke about this fact. The train has to stop there on each route for refuelling. It was a good place to take a piss & get bitten by the mast amount of flies. What a strange place Cook.

Back on the long train, could not sleep no matter how hard I tried I even tried smoking some of Matt from Stokes West country herbs. It was so uncomfortable. You get yourself in a nice comfy position then you get back or neck ache or cramp of some sort. I suggest if you do the train journey buy lots of cushions & blankets or a big fat woman you could use. Finally after 48 hours or so we arrive in Adelaide. It was such a relief to get there. I had travelled the distance of the UK Germany & Russia in 2 days on a train. That’s how long that journey is. 

Once in Adelaide I just took it easy as I was only spending one evening here. Adelaide apparently is a boring place with not much to see or do, I actually found it to have some interesting streets with a small selection but diverse mix of restaurants & bars, its a very new city that probably needs to mature with age, I went to a place called Sugar which was a very hip club that had pool tables in. I ended up playing pool against 2 auzzies who shamefully beat me on every occasion; I was not in form, as I had not played drunken pool for a long time. I hired a car the next day from Adelaide on my way to Melbourne; I had planned to drive the great ocean road. It takes about 8-10hours to drive to Melbourne from Adelaide, so I don’t think I could do this in one run, so I drove as far as Mt Gambier which is about half away.

MT Gambier is famous for its beautiful blue salt lake, which is apparently one of the seventh wonders of the world, it is a stunning lake. The time was getting late & I had no hotel to stay at so was beginning to worry as I had already tried 3 places that were fully booked. I came across an old shady Victorian style pub with a dirty sign saying accommodation. Stay at your own risk. I took my chance & luckily they had a room for $45 you have to share a bathroom with the landlords & other guests though. This wasn’t a problem. 
 
I checked in, the room was tiny but with the highest Victorian style ceilings & the first ever colour television set, it must of been about 50 years old, you had to turn a switch 4 times to turn it on, that evening was a nightmare to get food, everywhere in mt Gambier closes at 10. I was fortunate enough to find a smelly Malaysian restaurant willing to cook me some noodles, which I had to take away & eat in my dingy hotel room. That was a messy affair, I got the noodles everywhere. This pub hotel thing I was staying at, it had several random old locals’ downstairs playing slot machines, auzzies call them Pokies.  I originally thought Pokies was a name for a sex shop. This pub B&B was a strange place, that had to be haunted, the place was so dark & cold inside, with wooden floorboards that creaked & every so often you heard footsteps along the corridors & the occasional knock or sound. I was to afraid to go to the toilet although I was that desperate I built up the courage to go, I took a fork with me as protection as I thought someone might jump me. It had the creepiest atmosphere. It was a scary place to stay. I did not get hours sleep that night because of paranoia & I had a constant itch. 
 
In the morning a quick exit & off to a golf course that I saw close by. It was a relaxing game of golf before my next road trip along the great ocean road to Melbourne. The drive to the start of the ocean road is relatively long I got stupidly lost on my way & managed to get stopped for speeding, the Cop said I was driving to fast, I explained I was lost. He was the friendliest policeman I think you could ever meet, he asked me my job, I told him I run a music business & DJ, the next minute he's telling me his nephews in a band & he has a mate who runs a studio, he then gives me there numbers & told me I should call them, he also starts talking about Kylie, at that point I totally lost him. How many British or American police would have the time to stop you, and then talk about Kylie & Inxs for 10 mins. I thought he was going to let me off the speeding offence but then he said. That was the good news, now the bad news is I have to give you a speeding fine of $130 which must be paid within 28 days. He gave me a reduced fine, as I was a tourist. After this speeding offence I continued on my mission to find the Great Ocean Road.

30mins later I looked in my mirror a UN marked police car with its flashing lights on! This must be a set up! I pulled over, again the policeman was also friendly, he even asked me my job, it must be standard procedure, and this time I told him I was a poor backpacker with no job & no money.  I was annoyed, as I wanted to get a move on, this was a big delay.

The officer told me I was 10 miles over the speed limit. He asked me for my driving license. I gave him the wrong driver’s license by mistake as I have two licenses. I found a British drivers license in a taxi in Miami about 2 years ago. I kept it, as the photograph of the bloke looks much like me but a bit fatter & four years younger. I gave him the fake drivers license, so your names Richard? "Yes that’s me". He then said this doesn’t look like you? I replied yes it was taken a while back, he then said you've lost weight. I laughed. 3 minutes later he gave me the same fine as the previous policeman, another reduced fine, as I was lost & from England. 

I continued on my quest of finding the Great Ocean Road. It’s a real task in itself you follow the signs every so often on route to the beginning of this great road. Finally after about 4 hours from Mount Gambier I find my self at the start of the coastal road. Not long before I reach the lengthy stretch of coast that passes you through some amazing views along the western coast of Victoria, crashing wave’s crystal blue seas & a vast pacific ocean gleams in front of you. The great ocean road isn’t called Great for no reason it is the greatest road in the world that you will ever travel on. Some of the most mind-blowing views on every bend. I had to stop every 10 mines to take a photo & a piss. It was amazing. On route you get to visit the 12 apostles. As well as the 12 apostles you will experience the world's most breath-taking coastal regions. You get to see huge cliffs, raging surf, tranquil bays, lush rainforest, towering rock stacks, and facinatating wildlife. The ocean road is a journey of beauty with pioneering history a must do in a lifetime. The Winding roads take concentration at is best, if you lose control or fall asleep for any bizarre reason you may just find yourself driving off a 50ft cliff. It was a bit daunting but my driving skills were in good tact. I now felt like Richard Burns a rally expert in full control on some of the most dangerous bends & narrow roads you will ever approach. At one point I thought I was lost as you begin to take a route through the ever-ending rainforest & jungle. The tallest trees & dark shadows of the jungle are just all part of this ocean road experience, although this part of the journey is not along the sea line, from a distant you can still see the delights of the deep blue ocean which make you want to drive that little bit faster. It was getting quite late & the sunset was fading I just managed to reach the end of the Ocean road in good time to see this. The remaining hour & half was on a straight camera fested road to Melbourne. I kept my speed at the limit just in case.

Melbourne 

I made my way in to the city & stayed at the first hotel I could see. The city park a best western hotel. It was $100 a night not such bad value, it was a modern hotel & I had a large bed with en suite so it was good to have this luxury for once. My first evening in Melbourne I made my way to the Crown Casino a huge lass Vegas style complex with restaurants bars clubs shopping & the biggest casino in Australia, it was an impressive sight. I went & visited the Mercury lounge the club I was playing at. Following day I made the most of my rental car & drove in to the city & parked illegally in every street, not knowing my way & having bad map reading skills I found myself driving in circles, still I managed to find a few record shops on the way. Second evening in Melbourne I made my way to st Kilda an area recommended to visit by a friend. I paid a visit to the prince of Wales pub & they had a live gig on featuring the Melbourne Ska Orchestra & a special guest Carlos Malcolm one of the originators of the ska reggae movement from Jamaica he had flown in from Florida for this special gig, I was fortunate enough to go back stage and meet the great man who has worked with legends such as Bob Marley & the Wailers, I also found out he lived quite close to my home in Florida so he was quite touched by this fact. The band was incredible an 8 piece brass section & a great rhythm section, a band definitely worth checking it.

After the gig I went in to the city & visited a few other bars & clubs Honky tonks it a very cool club to visit. Next Day Saturday. I went on a shopping trip to Richmond the trendy bargain hunting area of Melbourne alot of factory outlets & stores selling designer clothes at an affordable price. This day was famous for the Rain thunder lighting & hailstones. It was an effort getting to each shop without getting yourself absolutely soaked. I bought some decent clothes in Richmond, while I was in one shop I came across a poster on the wall saying 2 Tribes Dance event tonight at Vodafone area, it had some of the best DJs in the world playing Eric Morillio as well as a mate of mine Dylan Rhymes real name Marvin. I know Marvin from back home. So I thought I would give him a ring to see if he was definitely playing. He managed to get me on the VIPs guest list for the night, so I didn’t have to pay or cue.

I made my way to the Vodafone arena early evening. It’s an impressive arena's one of many arenas in Melbourne. There are so many concerts big events in Melbourne including the Commonwealth games, which everyone in the city was very excited about. 
 
On arrival at the two tribe’s festival I was amazed how many mad ravers there was. All standing outside in the brightly colored outfits with their glow sticks. I managed to jump the monstrous cue as I had a VIPs Pass. Inside the arena I got to see DJs such as Eric Morillo David Guetta as well as some un known, I was shocked at how many gays there were, they were loving it, in their gay outfits & with their tops off, it was quite amusing. I caught up with the King of dance the legend Carl Cox, I had a chat with him & he remembered me from my past interview with him 2 years ago, I make some impression on everyone I meet. Carl Cox is a very cool guy laid back & very friendly not at all big headed although he does have the biggest head physically. I Made my way in to the the Global Underground room & saw James lavielle play a wicked rock style house set, after this I met up with Marvin (Dylan Rhymes) Lee Combes as well as DJ Die the D&B Legend, so I was in good company in the VIP Room making the most of the free bar. I had one to many JDs. I somehow stumbled in to see the last hour of Marvin’s set in the break beat room then found an exit out of the event the next hour was a real nightmare. 

Just could not get a taxi for life. Finally after 1.5 hours of waiting I managed to flag a taxi. I get in to the taxi & the big fat very rude Maltese Greek driver could not speak very good English, he asked me where I wanted to go in a dry tone of voice that sounds like he beats his wife regularly. I told him my hotel address. I was staying at the best western on king’s way a very popular hotel & Kings way is a main road. The taxi driver then wanted me to direct him! I didn’t have a clue, I had only been in Melbourne 2 days, I was pissed & at this point pissed off & annoyed as it was 7am in the morning & I felt like death, we spent the next 30mins driving about, we finally reach my hotel, the fare $35 this fare would normally cost $15. So I was not happy with the situation that he had blaintently ripped me off, we have a big verbal, I gave him $20 & slammed the cab door, next minute he follows me in to my hotel demanding extra cash, I had no more money! I made my way in to the lift. At this point he starts on the hotel receptionist who also agrees that I had been mugged off. I get to my hotel room & was about to re charge my mobile phone, then realized, damn!! I had left my phone in the taxi, I stormed down to hotel lobby & the taxi had left!! Typical of my bad luck, I remember txting someone on my journey & then putting the phone loosely in to my jacket pocket, it obviously fell out! I was not happy & at this point had an even bigger temper, that con man of a taxi driver had my phone with all my contacts on. I managed to get some sleep. Next day totally phone less, I felt lost without my phone, some people find it hard now days to live without a mobile phone, and I am one of these people. I spent the day enquiring about getting my old nokia phone fixed as I still had my old phone with me as back up; being a Sunday most phone repair shops were shut.

 I left my big clean hotel & decided to go peasant style & stay 2 nights at the friendly backpacker, I booked my room there & it was far from friendly the receptionist's had the right arss & were in bad moods, the backpackers themselves were all just monged out on the sofas watching films at deafening volume, my bunk bed where I had to sleep had a used condom underneath it, plus my sheets were covered in hairs. Nice I know, this backpacker was filthy but was cheap & in walking distance to crown casino where my gig was. 

Early evening I prepare for my big night at the Mercury Lounge at Crown casino, this was May debut gig in Melbourne so there was a tiny bit of pressure on. I get to the club early. I find out that I am playing bang on centre stage on top of a platform in front of the massives, this was daunting, as I had to play the warm up set from 10 till 12.30am where people were just arriving & standing there, watching me every move & listening carefully to my mixes. I managed to pull it off & played a good selection of records. The Do after me jumped on, he was the resident & obviously very confident, he played 5 of the tracks I played previously which didn’t look good although he didn’t know this at the time. 

I met the PR Marketing girl Nicole who arranged this night, she was very friendly & beautiful, she looked very much like Jennifer Lopez, and I was instantly attracted. To be fair a high percentage of females in Australia are attractive & this night was an exception for eye candy. 

After my set, the next DJ started banging out the big hard tunes & there was a really good atmosphere. Vinyl voyage Sundays at Mercury lounge is a popular night amongst locals. I was the first UK DJ to play that club, so I have now christened it. 

Next Day Monday, I was on a mission to get my old Nokia phone fixed so I could get all my numbers & important contacts back, I found this guy on the internet called Mingh, I arrange to go to his house which was 45mins out of the city. I had to get a train, this took an hour, it was a pleasant train journey, Mingh a Chinese guy originally from Hong Kong I learnt, met me at the station, we went to his house where his Chinese family live, he had all the latest software to fix my phone & restore my numbers, my phone was in a seriously critical condition & would not turn on. Mingh was unable to fix this, so we made our way down the road to the Mobile phone clinic where we spent another hour waiting patiently for the results. Luckily they managed to save my phone & find my old numbers this was a real relief. There work load was intense, every 2 minutes someone was bringing in there phone, I dropped it down the toilet etc etc. These Chinese guys can fix any phone no matter how damaged, phone repair genius's.

I spent the evening visiting a few of the bars on Chapel Street & met some more arrogant door staff.  Tuesday I finally leave the dirty friendly backpacker & move to Base in St Kilda a modern styled backpacker that was very clean & trendy. On arrival I bump in to Mike & Tim, 2 scousers I had met previously on my Asia tour. They were top lads & I spent the next days drinking with them, that evening we went to the Elephant & wheelbarrow pub where Dr Carl Kennedy from neighbours was performing in his band, it was a good laugh, the band were terribly cheesy. After meeting Dr Carl briefly I went to Cushion a popular backpacking bar in St Kilda, it was abusively rammed full of dirty backpackers! Everyone is so young, I realized I was becoming an old fart. The majority of kids I spoke to were aged 18 to 21. No space for the mid twenties crew.

Following day it was March 1st. I made the choice of going on the infamously neighbours tour after seeing DR Carl Kennedy band. Yes I was visiting Ramsey Street with the other 12 sad Brits that also wanted to see this historic street. It was one of the most embarrassing tours you can do although it is a laugh & worth doing for just $25, you get to watch old episodes on the bus, Scott & Charlene getting married & Harold & mage etc. On arrival they were filming, so the street was blocked but we got to see what they were doing from a distance, managed to get a few pictures with me standing by the Ramsey st sign, cool I know.

After my adventures around Neighbours it was back to St Kilda to enjoy a nice steak in one of the many relaxed restaurants near the beach. Evening comes so fast, I made my way in to the city to visit a famous bar called the cherry its Where all the rockers hang out, Mick jagger, noel Gallagher have been know to drink there on their visits to Melbourne. Cherry bar is on DC Lane named after the classic Auzzie band ACDC.

After a quick beer it was off to a live music venue called Ding Dong, I got there just in time to see the headline act, a local 3 piece from Melbourne called the Genie, they were amazing really new sounding, no vocals just effects, there sound is based around the keyboardist who has 3 keyboards & lots of crazy vocoder style effects. The bassist was pretty funky to a cool sound jazz funk stylee, a band to look out for. I somehow managed to get myself to the Q Bar after to visit the club I was playing at.

Next Day I came across a shop that sells vintage style pictures/prints of rock bands. These pictures were limited additions. You cannot buy these in the UK. I ended up buying 3 pictures for about $250 I bought a Beatles, The Who & an Oasis picture. The shop owner John a nice guy originally from Ireland told me how Oasis were in his shop a few months back when they were touring & they ended up buying several pictures. I think they got them free though.

That evening after a bit of sun on the beach. I was planning ahead to my night at the Q Bar in Melbourne. Q Bar is one of the best clubs in Melbourne. It’s where all the rich kids & the chic ponse out. I wore a bizarre 70's style shirt for some odd reason. I went for a few drinks before my gig at the base backpackers, I got talking to two friendly girls from up north England, I invited them to my night & indeed they came. On arrival to the club there was a big cue outside, im obviously becoming popular. Laughs... Actually Thursday night at the Q is the biggest night in the city. One word of advice to any budding DJs, do not turn up to the club 2 hours before your set, if the club doesn’t have air con & is rammed to capacity. I get there early it is absolutely heaving with bodies & sweat, the music was good to. After about 30mins of having free drinks, I was drenched in sweat & felt like I was about to collapse with dehydration. I had a quick splash in the toilet & went on & did my set. I was playing from 2 till 4am. A few dodgy mixes at the start probably from nerves no doubt & feeling totally crap. 

I ended up playing progressive up front in your face electro style house tunes that people loved. It was extremely hot & sweaty.  I felt like I was in the rainforest.  Overall a cracking club with a great system although one of the CDj's didn’t work %100. I had a good night & so did my scouse mates & the 2 random girls I met earlier, they left early as they couldn’t hack the late night & the free alcohol. I had to wait at the end to get paid as the promoter manager a nice guy nickname Funky had vanished somewhere? Still I got paid in the end.

Friday, I went & did the tourist thing & went up the big tower to the observation deck to take some pictures of Melbourne city from above. Fantastic views just like most other city towers. Friday evening an other evening out on the lash I went to Icon, a bar that supposedly has lots of hot girls; I think I was there on a gay night or a Sausage fest party. No hot girls.  I stayed for 2 drinks managed to get 1 free, he must have thought I was a homo. After Icon it was to a dark underground club called Brown Alley I was thinking it might be a club from Train spotting or Glasgow with a name like that. I went to check it out because Bristol Drum& Bass legend DJ Die was playing. I got in free to the club somehow; just strolled past the 8 security blokes there I was right behind the decks with DJ Die & Some other random. Saturday. It was my last day & night in Melbourne, I was quite sad that I was about to leave Melbourne is my favourite Australian city by far, it has everything you could want. So much culture, class, dirty alleys with dingy little clubs & bars much like London but a lot warmer & friendly.

Last night I met up with the 2 souse lads & Amy, her friends plus Luke & Geri who were also from the Asia tour. Amy was a delightful Geordie girl who was on our Asia tour. She was a good laugh & so so nice. I think we all fancied her. We ended up going for a few relaxing drinks in st Kilda before getting a cab to Q Bar. The real reason for going is that I managed to blag everyone on the guest list for free. Plus I still had 5 drink vouchers left from the other night, so had to make the most of them. I hate good byes & Saturday evening it was a final farewell to some of these new friends I had met on my travels.

Sydney

Sunday I had to catch an earlier flight to Sydney aboard virgin blue airlines. I get to Sydney & I stay at the Wake up hostel. It’s a newest hostel that I stayed at last year. I took an early afternoon stroll to Darling Harbour had a nice steak meal there at Angus's before getting on a boat ride along the harbour to see the Opera House in all its glory.  I took a few pictures & then went back to my funky wake up hostel to sort my music out in preparation for my next gig at Plan B in Kings cross that night. I had invited about 30 people to this club; my guest list was getting out of control. I get to the club plan B relatively early to see what its like. The staff are a bit funny there, couldn’t work them out. They were tight with there free drink vouchers policy, so I only got 3 freebies. I think I have been far to spoilt at other clubs.  I went & introduced myself to the Resident DJs. I didn’t get his name but he was a right knob head, he thought he was the king of nuts in his DJ booth, he told me what I needed to play & how he had his own specific style that everyone in the club loved.  I said give it a break mate", i am hear to do my thing, let it be! I had a special guest DJ playing before me a guy called Ollie Smiles he had a big smile funny that. Ollie contacted me a few months back when he was in England. He now lives in Sydney & plans to break it in Sydney. Good luck to him.

Ollie played a very funky style house set which I thought was really good, but the twat of a resident & his cool mates did not approve. I was on next & was not really feeling the vibe, there was no atmosphere in the club, I don't know if it was a Sunday or what. I was also feeling down at the fact that the 30 people on my guest list who said they were coming did not show up. Not one of them turned up! That made me looks popular. 

I jumped on & played for about an hour. I did my normal set that I had been playing at other clubs around the world with applause. The crowd was having fun. But the resident said that’s it! Your not playing the right music, your music's to hard, Get off!  So I finished at that point. I got paid in advance to avoid any bother, good job I did that. A disappointing night overall all.
 
Compared to Melbourne Sydney has a lot to learn. It’s a nice city but very stuck in its ways, a plastic fantastic place. Final day in Sydney I was only staying there 2 days as I had a tight schedule this week travelling up the east coast. I went up another big tower, this time the Sydney Tower, I am getting sick of towers, and I’ve been up so many now. The Sydney tower is one of the better towers you will visit. A 350-degree panoramic view of the city. You get to see a vast view of buildings from a distance. A personal setting. I would love to own an apartment that high up. It makes you feel like you’re the king of the world. Evening time I arranged to meet up with Chris my Ginger room mate from the Asia trip also the other 2 top lads Tom & Neil, also the 2 northern girls Emily & Fran who I had met in Melbourne 4 days previous. It was nice to meet up with everyone & have a chin wag. We met at the Cheers bar on George st; I’ve been there at stupid times in the morning before watching football. We had a nice drink; I walked back with Fran, Fran’s such a nice girl from Cheshire who I met in Melbourne but we never did get it on, have I lost my touch or is it because i am ugly?

I say good-bye to everyone & hope to meet them in the UK when we are all back in the doom & gloom.

Another early morning check out, I was straight to the airport to get another domestic flight this time to Balina which is 30km from Byron Bay, I was considering driving to Byron Bay, but its a good 10 hours, so flying was the sensible option with little time on my schedule. I arrive in Balina & take a mini bus to Byron bay passing Lennox beach a new popular resort that’s becoming very expensive. On arrival at Byron I check it to Village backpackers, which is directly opposite the legendary Cheeky Monkies a meat market backpacking joint.

I get my own room the first night in Byron to catch up on the lack of sleep. I hired a bike & took road along the coastal path; Byron Bay has some beautiful beaches & one of my favourite Australian beach destinations.

That evening I went & saw the old band Dinosaur Jnr who used to be massive back in the grunge era when Nirvana were big. The band was pretty stale. The Music was deafening, I had to buy some $2 earplugs to save my ears, and the poor souls at the front their ears will still be ringing now!! A sad tale of a band that was once good but now just too old to rock. I paid a visit to Cheeky monkeys then hit the bed without a girl, after speaking to every female in the club. I have lost it totally. Stay positive, whatever! Australia is defiantly not Asia when it comes to easy pickings. Next day in Byron I take it easy I have a dip in the pacific.

I change room at my back packers & stay in an 8-share dorm with 2 amazingly fit Swedish girls, they were stunning plus some Canadian idiot, to be fair he was a laugh, just very hyper; there were some Norwegians & an American. A crazy dorm, a nice group of people it was a brief meeting, I invited them to come & see me play my gig that night at CocoMangas. They all turned up & heard me do my thing. Cocomangas is a cool spot on Johnston st the main street in Byron Bay.

The equipment was a bit basic I managed to get around it by playing some Rock Hip Hop & House a weird mix but one that worked. It was also a Mardi gras night so there were lots of badly dressed up blokes attempting to look like drag queens, it was a shocking sight. Another successful night that went really well. I ended up staying up the whole night smoking some herb & chatting with some random’s; the Swedish girls in my dorm went to sleep early, which was a real shame.

2 hours later Somehow I got myself together along with my annoying backpack & my record box & legged it down the street at 6.30am in time to catch my bus to Brisbane. I felt like death warmed up.

On the bus to Brisbane I slept the entire journey like a baby. I get to the airport in a sweat thinking I was late for my flight. What I didn’t realize is the NSW time & Victorian time is one hour different. So I had an extra hour, which was a real relief. I get on to my flight to the Whitsunday’s. On arrival I didn’t have a clue where I was staying I ended up staying at some huge backpacking resort called koala.

On arrival I was making my way to my room & someone shouts Will! I turn around & it’s the annoying Essex girl in-group 2 from my Asia trip. I had no time to speak to her, as she is a right slag.
That night I was DJing at the Juice Bar. A bar I played at last year. They had put posters of me up outside. I was quite looking forward to this even though the bar is a right dive & smells of old sick & piss.

Before DJing that night I booked my self a day trip to the Great Barrier Reef to do some snorkelling & to see the best reefs in the world. This was the main purpose of my visit to the Whitsunday’s. Last year I did a 4-day sailing trip on the maxi yacht Condor. This year I only had a day, so I took a seaplane with a few others. It’s a quick convenient way of seeing the Great Barrier Reef & the Whitsunday islands from above. It’s expensive but well worth the investment. It’s something I would do every week if I had the chance.

We stopped of at White haven beach, one of the whitest beach's you will ever step on; we drank champagne & had our pack lunch on the beautiful shore. This was a fantastic day for pictures.

It took my time to suss out the snorkelling I really am not the best at snorkelling. I think it’s because I used to have asthma as a kid. I could not put the tube in my mouth & breathe out. Every time I did this I swallowed a pint of salty seawater, which was horrible & made me lose my breath. After about an hour I ended up snorkelling without the tube & just used the goggles this was fine & I got to see some of the best looking tropical fish. I accidentally cut my arm on the reef. This is apparently not allowed. You get fined thousands if you touch it. I wasn’t suppose too touch it but my arm accidentally did & I have a little scar now on my arm now from this deep cut, a nice memory.

After my dramas with the Great Barrier Reef it was back to base in preparation for my night at Juice Bar. I miss out on seeing the wet t-shirt competition that was taking place a few bars down.

I got to the club & met the manager/owner. The same resident DJ from last year was in the dj booth, I had a quick chat with him about the system & set up. They didn’t have any monitors & the cd mixer was the same one from last year. The pitch control doesn’t work. Remember to always check with the venue to find out what equipment they have before you turn up. I’ve turned up at clubs before with just CDs & they only had turntables, so that becomes a problem. Most clubs are now finally making the change over from records to CDs. 

I wait about 45mins until the club fill's up, it’s still relatively empty & there is no atmosphere whatsoever, no one is even dancing. I make my way to the booth. The resident DJ lays down the rules religiously; make sure you keep the levels to a minimum. I jump on not at all motivated & didn’t really know what I was going to play as my first track. I started my set with a pumping house tune followed by another 2. My mixes were totally out each time due to the crap equipment. I could not hear shit in the booth. I had several requests for R&B. So I played a few R&B remixes that didn’t really go down. It was probably one of the worst sets I have ever played & I have been a DJ for over 8 years. This can still happen.

The Manager/owner guy comes up & tells me to finish. I totally understood. He said my music was to underground & my levels were up&down, he also told me guest DJs don't really go down to well. As most of the punters want cheese all night & they are all red necks & all live in the sticks, so all they hear is top 40 shit.  My main worry was that I might not get paid as I only did 45minutes & I had no agreement signed. Always make sure you have a signed agreement otherwise the Manager can refuse to pay you. I explained to the manager that their equipment was awful & they didn’t have monitors. I also let him know that I had to pay for my flight to Airlie beach just so I could DJ there. (Visit the Whitsunday’s was my main reason) 

He gave me $250.00 but you could see from his tired & pissed off face that he wasn’t happy, I was not happy also, I didn’t really want to take his pikey money but at the same time I needed it badly as I was Skint.

After the shit bar, I went over to Mama Africa’s across the street, I DJ'd at this place last year, and it is a lot better than the place I played at that night. House music & a few occasional commercial hits were being played from the DJ, not much totty to look at though, so it was a short visit & then off to bed.  

I was in Airlie beach & had a bit of a dilema, I had to get myself back down to Brisbane somehow as I was planning on spending 2 nights there before my trip to Fiji. Airlie Beach to Brisbane takes about 15 hours or longer to drive. So that was out the equation. I decided to get a bus, it wasn’t a normal coach/bus, it was some mini bus that picked me up from my koala backpackers at 6.15am I was totally exhausted but managed to get there. You find you have no time for being tired on around the world trips, plus sleeping for a sensible 8 hours is never going to happen. You are Constantly on the move.  The mini bus dropped me off at some remote airport 2 hours from Airlie beach. From there I was suppose to hire a car then drive the remaining 12 or so hours to Brisbane. Instead I decided to get a plane on Quantas to Brisbane, which was mighty lucky. It didn’t cost that much & saved me about 10 hours driving. 

Brisbane

I got to Brisbane my final city Destination of Australia. Like Adelaide From previous people I had spoken with Apparently Brisbane lacks character & has no atmosphere. I stayed in the area of the west end. This isn’t like the west End in London, its a relaxed area in the outer suburb’s about 10mins from the city centre, with some nice little cafes & Indian restaurants. I stayed in a charming back packer hostel on top of a hill with nice view of the city skyline; I had my own room, a TV & a shower.

It was a Saturday night, so I had done some research & then made plans to go & check out Brisbane at night. I got one of the frequent buses in to Fortitude Valley; this is where all the bars & late night licenses are held. I got there a bit to early, keen as ever to make another review on another city. I visited several off the bars in the area, some very cool stylish mod con drinking spots with young 20 year olds sipping on their martini's as if they were in a James Bond movie.

As I was on my Jack Jones I made a bad attempt at chatting up the fit bar maid. As if I had a hope in hell. It’s a Saturday night & i am sat there like a right lemon on my own. Anyway she did recommend some clubs to go to & also told me the names of the managers.

This is the key to blagging yourself in to a club. Find out the Manager or PR Girls name. Try & contact them that day or a day before. Tell the manager that you were visiting the club to see the inside of the venue, as you were interested in perhaps putting on a future event there. You may have to go in to detail, make sure you have a business card. I've done this at some of the strictest door polices in the world. Be confident with a big smile & then you will find jumping the cue becomes easy. It helps if there is a minimum of 3 - 4. Don’t push your luck.

On this occasion, yes I managed to get myself in to the biggest & best club in Brisbane without paying or cueing.

The club's called Family. Family is Brisbane's ultimate super club & one of the best clubs I had been to in Australia with 4 levels, 3 genres of music, 2 huge dance floors, 5 bars and full access to all levels, this club rocked!

I Went & introduced myself to the main man responsible for the DJs & the music policy & the day-to-day running of the club. He was a friendly bloke originally from Nottingham; He got me & some girl plus her gay friend some drinks. Then he got another round in & another & another. Free drinks all night cant be bad, purks of the job.

By this point I had my beer goggles on & could hardly stand up. I had been drinking since 8pm it was now 3am. I did a few shots but then the killer blow came. He got some tequila in.

No not tequila.

Now I know I don't like tequila it disagrees with my stomach. Everyone else had necked their shots, I was the last one left, with all eyes glued to my shot & me. So I thought fuck it!. Down it in one without a drop! A second later, I was sick all over the bar & the barmaid.

This was the first time this has every happened in public. The distraught bar girl screamed urghhh! Luckly there were no carrots or meatballs, as I had an empty stomach with no dinner that night.

That moment I was bright red & so embarrassed & shameful, I stumbled out without even looking at any of their face's, it was head down, get out. Just as I made my way around the bar, 2 beefy security blokes grabbed me. They let me just stumble out without pushing me or giving me a back hander which was nice.

It looks like I won't be doing an event there in the future.

After puicking I felt quite sober & refreshed, so I made my way to another club of the same company. This club was called Empire another big dance club in Brisbane. I was also on the guest list, so they let me stumble straight through on to the dance floor.

I spent about 5 minutes busting some moves like a pissed travolta.

I then left & got a cab somehow back to my backpackers. An interesting night overall.

Learn from your drinking mistakes, don't take the piss when its free drink & if you are trying to do some networking or business have a few but don’t get drunk. I am prone to saying the wrong shit to the right people. Its the Alcohol talking but still think what you say when your pissed.

The following day I went & did a guest unpaid & for pure love DJ set at Birdee Num Num's this is cool place to hang out at weekends, it gets jammed packed with girls & guys. Unfortunately Sunday early evening is dead, still I got to play a few tunes. Sunday like most Sunday’s is a day of worship so not much was on in the city.

I went back early to do some emailing, this becomes a real habit when you are constantly away, you want to let the whole world know about your amazing travelling experiences but as if they care.

The world is like a book if you don't travel the world you only read 1 page.

Next day I decided to take it easy & played golf. I had hired a car, so I was driving about desperately looking for a decent course. I made my way on the sunshine coast to Redcliff where I came across an 18 hole. RedCliff GC a very attractive course that runs parallel to the ocean. It was a baking hot day & I was cruising in my golf buggy. There was some mad lady of about 65 walking the course, she must be mental. It was 90 degrees heat, that day. I looked like I had ran the London marathon & I was in a buggy! After Golf I only had several hours to kill before my flight to Nadi, Fiji. I went & had a quick bite to eat at the best Thai restaurant I have ever been to. It was so nice I forgot the name; it was in the centre of the city somewhere, you must go! I got to Brisbane airport in goodtime to do some last minute shopping & to get some Auzzie gifts. I was very sad to be leaving Australia, now my favourite destination in the world for several reasons. It is the most vast & scenic country in the world. The food, the beaches, the history, the girls, everything is there. I now understand why a lot of British are now migrating to Australia to live. I could spend a few years living & exploring this amazing country. I will be returning to Australia no doubt next year for a third visit.

Fiji

My flight to Nadi Fiji was a short 4 hours evening flight. On arrival at Nadi 3 Fijians are waiting to greet you as soon as you step of the plane playing Guitar & singing there welcome song. You couldn’t imagine people doing that at London Heathrow, you would get nicked. I made my way to the Rosie Holidays office, they had organised my transfer & hotel. My hotel was called the mercure on the main street leading to Nadi. It was a nice hotel compared to all the other places I had stayed at the last 6 weeks.

I checked in & made my way in to the centre of Nadi to get some pictures developed. As soon as I got there I was constantly hassled by the locals. Fiji being a very country with not much income, you get a lot of beggars on the street. Still it’s not as bad as some third world countries. I bought some Fiji gifts mainly hand made crafts & paintings.

My visit to Fiji was only a short visit; I was only spending 5 days here. My first visit was to an unspoilt island called Bounty.

It was the island where the Reality TV Show, Celebrity Love Island was filmed. There were a total of 38 people staying on this remote paradise island. I did some kayaking around the island that takes half an hour to get around; this was hard work in the intense heat & warm waters but still great for the tan. I spent the day enjoying the cool chilled ambience of real island life; this was a very monumentous day. In the evening when the sun went down, we had dinner & drank all evening. I stayed in a very hot humid & sticky dorm with about 6 others. Make sure you put plenty of insect repellent on. as I got bitten everywhere.

Bounty island Fiji

The Fijian’s are very relaxed friendly people with a nice nature, they love singing & playing their native music. Every island you visit or leave, you will be serenaded by their native melodies. One word you will be constantly using is BULA! This means hello & you hear it everywhere you go BULA BULA BULA everywhere. In Fiji as everything is so so relaxed you often have to be patient & wait for things like food & drinks. They call this, Fiji Time, which means it takes longer than expected.

My next stop was to Beachcomber Island, supposedly the party island of Fiji. It is known for this as it is based around backpackers & young people rather than honeymooners & families. They have a large dorm that sleeps 100.

I took a day trip to Castaway Island on the sea spray yacht; Castaway was the famous setting for the Tom Hanks Movie. On Arrival it is a surreal sight. An untouched islands that is unhabitited. We spent about 2 hours swimming snorkelling & sun bathing on this gem of an island. I was thinking of spending the evening they’re on my own. Being the only one just to see how it would actually be in real life, being stranded on an island with no one but yourself. They have trips there every day, so it wouldn’t of been a problem you could just get the boat the next day. It was a very relaxed day but I still couldn’t find my ball. Wilson!

Castaway Island Fiji

Evening time it was back to Beachcomber Island for some drinking and some games. I met some people who live close to me in the UK.

It’s amazing wherever you go in the world you always meet people who live near you. It really is a small world. We ended up listening to some Artic Monkeys this was short lived, as the Fijians are really not in to rock bands from Sheffield.

I had a few drinks that night & another failed attempt at trying to get with this chick from London. Whist staying at Beachcomber I got to see England Rugby 7’s beat Fiji in the Commonwealth games Live from Melbourne. About 60 of us mainly English & Fijian watched England beat Fiji. There was a lot of lighthearted banter going on after we had won. Rugby 7s is Fiji’s national sport, so for us to beat them was a big achievement. England Unfortunately lost to New Zealand in the final.

My New Fiji Band Bula

I took a day visit to Mana Island another one of the 14 beautiful islands you can visit. Mana Island is mainly a family resort with a big complex with activities such as jet ski’s snorkelling etc. Transferring from one island to another is simple, small boats take you across to transfer on to the the big bost which then takes you to each resort & island, where you have to change on to another little boat to take you across to that island. You get use to this after while but it becomes a hassle loading & unloading your luggage constantly, still when you get to the islands your dreams are fulfilled.

I spent 2 nights on Beachcomber Island; I met some interesting people but mainly just chilled out.

From my brief experience of visiting Fiji’s Islands, you may find it’s a very romantic place to visit most islands are set for romantic couples on their honeymoons. Its not the best place to be if your on your own or if you are planning to party. There’s no real bars or clubs, so not exactly Ibiza. It’s the best place in the world to relax & forget about everything else that exists. There are over 37 islands in Fiji 14 of them you can actually stay on. Everyone you meet has a favourite island I personally enjoyed Bounty Island. If I ever get married I will probably go their or another Fiji Island to make big love to my wife.

Fiji isn’t that westernised just yet, which is a good thing. Thailand has many beautiful islands also but most of them are over populated with tourists. Fiji in March was a perfect time time to visit, as it was not to crowded. Just before I left my hotel on my way to the Airport I bought one ready-made Fijian tobacco stick from some guy who worked at the hotel I was staying at. I smoked this down by the pool & it really did stink from a distance. This wasn’t the best of moves as I made my way to the airport totally blurry eyed & far to relaxed.

At the airport it was a nightmare I was bumping in to everyone with my trolley & could not keep concentration. It seemed like everyone was staring at me but I think this was due to paranoia anyway I somehow made it to the departure lounge stoned & on time for my flight to my next destination LA.

LA

This was my second visit to LA. I was only spending 2 nights as a stop off before my next trip to Miami. On arrival at LAX airport me & another lad from Leeds didn’t have a clue where we were going to stay as we hadn’t booked accommodation, We came across a long haired bloke who ran a backpackers in Venice beach, he was a bit shady but said it’s an inexpensive & nice place to stay, so without to much hassle we decided to take our chance & go with him & two Scandinavians girls who were also looking for a bed.

On arrival at Venice beach backpackers it was a bit of a shock, the house was a right shit hole. Mattresses on the floor & broken bunk beds. It was like a student house that had just been burgled. Still although it was a shit hole it was relatively cheap. The 2 hot Scandinavian girls did not like the place they were not amused & decided to look for another place to stay, they asked if I wanted to go with them, I wish I had said yes now, but I had already settled in & couldn’t be arsed to move again. That night in LA I made friends with a few of the shady characters that stay permantely at the backpacking squat. They offered me lots of drugs etc.

I wanted to go out for a beer that night, so I made my way to a local pub to see a band. The band was called how to win a life. Interesting name, they were actually a very good band, the lead singer had a great voice but looked a bit strange. After the pub it was back to Venice backpackers. Everyone was in full party mode & making the most of the large table in the kitchen. This is where I sat for the next 4 hours killing my brain cells & damaging my liver. It was an interesting evening of fucked conversations. There was a dirty fat Scottish bloke apparently he’s a millionaire property tycoon who lives in LA but what the fuck was he doing at a backpackers house? He sat there sweating while snorting long lines of cocaine. He kept saying to this Asian girl who was actually going out with the guy who runs the house. Come & stroke my big sausage, do you like big sausage? In a strong Glaswegian voice.

It was funny but he was a rude bastard.

That night I got to sleep for about 2 hours at 8am. I got up again left the house and made my way to the English pub the cock & Bull where they were showing the footy Fulham v Chelsea game. I made my way down the street to the pub totally off my face I couldn’t feel my body. It took me about 1& half hours to get to the pub, that was about 2 miles from the house. I finally get to the pub feeling like shit. I have a fat greasy fry up & an OJ. I sit at the bar & take the piss out of the many Chelsea fans. It was 9am in the morning & the pub was packed full of British. Mainly Actors, musician’s celebrities who drink there, all sorts go to that English pub. Fulham beat Chelsea by a goal. It was worth the mission & just to see that.

I felt quite sober afterwards but very tired & worn out. I made my way back to the house this time in a cab, I grab my stuff & left without saying goodbye to anyone. I had to leave that place; another night there would kill me.

I made my way to Santa Monica where I stayed in a cheap beach motel, which was like being in Buckingham palace compared to the last place. I sleep the entire day. Evening time I went to a few of the clubs & bars but everywhere was empty. The licensing laws in LA are very strict also. Most clubs & bars shut early in Santa Monica.

Another long & tiring weekend in LA, it’s not good for your heart. I get to LAX Airport, which has to be the most annoying airport in the world; I thought it was meant to be Lax on security. LA’s main airport is a nightmare you have to go through about 3 security point’s which take forever, I would of missed my flight if I wasn’t there in good time. Finally I get to the departure gate & board the America airlines flight to Miami.

Miami

I arrive in Miami and made the decision to hire a car & drive north to Brevard county that’s where we have a family home. So I drive for 3 hours. I have done this journey so many times before. This time the police didn’t stop me, this usually happens for speeding. They are so strict in Florida on the 95 highway. I get to the house, which is a real relief as we have everything there. Internet kitchen, pool, it was great to be there. The next 2 days I spend time sorting my life out & organising Miami & the music conference that I was attending. I went to Cocoa beach several times in the evening to a club called Storm where they were having another spring break party. I managed to get lucky with some spring breakers. It was about time this happened. After my 2 days of preparation for Miami. I take the road south this time to Miami south beach. As I enter Miami I realised how busy the place was. South beach was a big jam. I made my way to my hotel, which was the other side of south beach about 20minutes from the beach.

The reason for me staying so far way from the action was because every hotel in South beach was fully booked & the ones that did have rooms were charging triple of what they would normally charge. Days Inn was charging $180 a night & that hotel is normally $60 a night. It really took the piss. Everywhere was crowded. I was quite content with staying away from the beach it just meant I had to drive there & back which meant I could not drink. The music conference week is a big excuse to have a party really. It was my 4th year at the conference. My first year there I absolutely loved it but since then its become far to commercial & coperate. Still every good DJ & club event in the world is there, so there is always a good party going on. The trouble with conference now is that they have the same time as Spring break holiday. So you have a big mix of American kids getting fucked & your dance music fanatics who are there purely for the music. I fit in both categories. I made sure that I wouldn’t have to pay $50 to get in each club. That’s the prices they charge just to get in. luckily enough I now know several people in Miami & also in the industry so I was able to blag myself in complementary style at most of the parties, there were a few that were to hard to get in to.

Ultra music festival me behind the decks

Some girls trying to push in

The mass of people trying to get in to each club puts me off. People end up getting irate start shouting pushing even fighting their way in. that’s no way to have fun on a night out. I went to so many parties to many to mention. The DJs that impressed me most were Nic Fancuilli & James Zambiela at the Cafeteria this was a small intimate night in a packed club that’s not very big. The music was quality. Another good night was Ministry’s party at Mynt. DJs Paul Harris & the tool room records crew. It was a good night & they played some big tunes. I had a fairly good conference it was good to meet up with a few people. Although for some reason I couldn’t use my credit card. I phoned up my credit card company & apparently the chesterfield hotel on Collins Avenue had charged $1700 on my card that’s £1200.

I was not happy in fact I was extremely mad & fucked off. The reason for this large transaction was that I originally had booked to stay at the chesterfield hotel back in December but on arrival in Miami I rung the hotel & the guy who booked my room Carlos, some espanic idiot, he told me I didn’t have a reservation & the hotel was full. I listened to him & stayed elsewhere. They still managed to charge $1700 on my Credit card without me knowing. I phoned them up to sort this matter out but they were being UN helpful & speaking in Spanish/English. So I made my way to the hotel to have a riot. I gave Carlos some grief at the desk. I was hoping that he might just lose his job for lying to me & being a greasy haired con man. After about 20 minutes they finally agreed to refund my money but still not the full amount. They charged me for 1 night. They were trying not to refund me by saying I had booked a room & didn’t show but the truth is they told me they were fully booked & I didn’t have a reservation still they had my credit card on file. You have to be very very careful with your credit card especially in Miami. They make their money like this.

Scandalous.

On the Saturday in Miami I had bought myself a ticket for the Ultra festival, which is the big music event in Miami. This year had a strong line up including The Prodigy, Killers & some other big acts. I get to the festival gate about 2pm the Line is a mile long. I somehow managed to get to the front to get my ticket, which saves me at least 2 hours.

It was probably one of the best music events I have been to & I have been to lots over the last 10 years. I saw mainly the live acts. I got to see Hard Fi a big UK band from Staines. I got to speak to them backstage & had a good chat as they live close to me in the UK. Once backstage you bump in to lots of people you might recognise I saw Carl Cox again. The other advantage of being backstage is you get free beer & vodka. Now I always make the most of this. The portaloo’s are also cleaner which means if you do need a dump you might actually be able to do one. These are all factors when being in a successful band. I spent some time in Hard fi’s Tour bus. The next minute some guy’s turn up & join us for a beer. I didn’t know who they were & asked what they were doing. They told me they were on stage in 1 hour. It turns out they were Prodigy. I didn’t have a clue they looked very different. I am a big fan of Prodigy so it was quite a shock not to know it was them any way I went & saw them play which was like being a kid at school again, they rocked it. Before prodigy I was right at the front of the stage watching The Killers who played all their big songs such as somebody told me & mr Bright side. A great day of Rock & Roll & free beer, which always helps.

Left-Right Si & Eddie Halliwell Rich from Hard FI some ugly bloke & a random

After Miami conference I had a few days to relax & spend some precious time listening to the 60 odd CDs that people had given me. Everyone is trying to promote their record in Miami most of it is terrible, you have to fight your way through the crap. One good thing about music when it kills you, you feel no pain.

From Miami it was off to my next destination Montego Bay Jamaica

Jamaica

The flight from Miami to Montego Bay takes about 1 hour 15. Jamaica is one place I’ve always wanted to visit for its culture & its music. Reggae music, Bob Marley, Rastafarians, Marijuana this is what I was expecting. On arrival at the airport I had to get a taxi to my low budget Hotel The Gloustershire which is in the main town of Montego Bay. I get a taxi with some random. After about a minute of driving he asks me if I want some weed or blow. I laughed as he then shuffs it in my face. Smell this mon. The weed smelt good. He wanted just $10 for a big bag, so I bought this. I didn’t realise how much weed there actually is in Jamaica. It is still illegal but everyone smokes it & grows it. I get to my hotel then take a stroll down the street. I was hassled by about 6 Jamaicans all trying to flog me weed & drugs as well as other dodgy stuff. I quickly turn around & head back, as I believe I was walking the wrong direction in to a danger zone that’s full of yardies. I never knew how poor & dangerous Jamaica is but from this first day I soon found out. Walking the streets alone if you are a tourist & white is a bad move. I’ve been to other poor countries such as South Africa & Mexico but I could tell by the atmosphere that this town wasn’t safe alone. The first night I went to Margarativilles, which is the popular bar in Montego bar. They actually have a big chain of them. I met some hot rock California girl who wiggled her butt like no other. She was on her holiday but it was her last night so it was bad timing, still we exchanged contacts for a next time & had a dance. There was 80% Jamaicans inside only %19 America & %1 British. Yes I was the only English guy in da club. Still I did myself proud & danced centre stage in front of the large crew of Jamaicans. Shaking my thing to the latest reggae tunes. After leaving the club I got a taxi back, which is only 500 yards to my hotel, but it is down one dodgy street that is known for mugging, so it was better to be safe than sorry.

Rastafarian class A

Daytime is fine when the sun is shining you can sit or lay on the beach without to much bother. As soon as the sun goes down you are on your own. I spent 4 of my 6 nights inside my boring hotel just for my safety & well-being. Its not much fun being nagged by drug dealers prostitutes constantly on your case. They don’t understand Fuck off or No or I don’t have money. They keep on & on. I met so many dodgy characters on the street. It was proper ghetto. One hustler who I spoke to on the beach, he has a girlfriend from Balham in south London. He says to me hey man lets do business you take 1 kilo of cocaine back to London for me, you put in suitcase, I was laughing & thinking do they not have a clue. I said to him look I don’t need to do that shit & I don’t want to go to prison. He replies don’t be a pussy English prisons are nice. Its funny talking with the local yardies they really don’t give a fuck about anything but making a dollar. They will hustle & hustle until you give, you must just walk away. Jamaica has over %60 unemployment. They rely on the stupid tourists to buy their drugs & give them money. I wasn’t told of the dangers of Montego Bay. I know Kingston town & trench town is deadly but I thought Montego Bay was full of tourists & was a friendly safe place to relax day & night, this is still true but the tourists & holiday makers they spend their time in all inclusive 5star resorts that are guarded, I was in the cheapest hotel that had no security it was basic & it was right in the centre of town so I was fucked. I didn’t make any friends, as most people were in families not ideal for going out on the lash or smoking weed with. It was very annoying not being able to do much in the evening but at the same time a nice change

. I spent my nights in smoking weed & watching TV like I was 16 again. Rolling a joint was a nightmare. During the day I played golf at one of the nicest Caribbean courses at Rose Hall resort, the course ran parallel with the sea so you played your shots along the ocean, it was beautiful. It was the first time I had played golf with a 60-year-old Jamaican who rolled up for me on every other hole. Believe it or not smoking da herb whist playing golf is good for your game, Tiger should start.

Will in full swing at Rose Hall golf club Jamaica

I made the most of my daytime by doing activities I went to visit the place where Bob marley was born & buried in St Anne’s high up in the mountains & countryside this was a 2 & half hour drive through bumpy roads that were not suitable for fast driving although are driver was a complete nutter & was driving like he was in the gran prix. We managed to get to Bobs House in one piece.

We drive through a big iron gate, which they immediately lock once we get through. As we wait for a Rastafarian tour guide, I could not help noticing several hands stretching under the gate with weak voices, saying weed. People really are in need in this area. We take a tour of Bob’s family home where his mum still occasionally visits when she’s not in Miami.

An old Rasta with grey dreads greeted me; he gave me a big-coned spiff similar in size to the ones Bob Marley himself use to smoke. After visiting the Spot where bob was laid to rest & seeing his mediation rock where he wrote the song one love, I decided to light my spliff, as it would be un holy not to. I was not the only one smoking; they try & encourage it once inside. As I took a deep puff my sight started to blur, my head gently moves to the sounds of the legend. People were all singing whilst buying Marley merchandise. This weed was strong home grown in Jamaica.

We make our way back to the mini bus for another fearful 2&half hour bumpy journey to Montego Bay. Whilst we were speeding through the crowded villages. I had to cope with a friendly 8-year-old girl trying to talk to me, she was with her mum who was African but who lives in London. Like most 8 years olds, this 8-year-old girl would not shut up, she was going on about how she had 18 cousins & she wants a game boy. She was talking direct to me. Obviously being 8 she never realised I was monged out. I thought her mum might say something but no she just let her daughter talk complete rubbish to me that messed my head up. I was sitting

There white as ghost big red eyes & very stoned. It was not what I needed. Still I managed to close my eyes & drift in to a casual sleep.

My last day I made my way on another mini bus with the same crazy driver this time to nagril which is another beach 1 hour away from montego bay. This place was a lot more relaxed with a 12 mile white sandy beach & crystal clear waters. I chilled out here for the day & took in some sun. My short visit to Jamaica was a very relaxed one. It was a shame that I didn’t feel safe at night. The food was also very bad. As I paid for jerk chicken off the street which often wasn’t cooked well.

I love the fact that all Jamaicans love their music reggae music & Bob Marley is treated like a king. Everywhere you visit you hear a bob marley song in the distance or in a bar or restaurant.

My own personal advice to anyone visiting Jamaica make sure you are with your family or friends in a nice resort. Don’t experience the street like I did, its not a nice place. Still Jamaica is a beautiful country with some of the nicest beaches in the Caribbean. The weed is good to.

Jamaica Sunset

I make my way back to Miami for one more night before flying back to London

My last night in Miami was fun. I love going to Miami as you always have a good time no matter what time of the year. Miami south beach is also very safe most of the time.

My last night I met 2 blonde Scandinavian play boy models who are living in Miami they are planning to work as show girls. I approached them at Bed a club I sometimes play at, I speak to them for 10 minutes & then invite them to another bar called blue, and that was open later. I spent the evening wooing them with my experience & knowledge of language. Neuken in de keuken. It was nice meeting them and I hope they visit London sometime soon as the boys will love them.